The Art of Saying No: Taking a Crucial Pause
When it comes to behavioural change, sometimes we can be equipped with the right tools, know the best strategies, and have great advice, yet still find ourselves stuck. Learning to say no can be one such sticking point for many.
Even as someone who helps people develop strategies and language for brave conversations, saying no is still something I need to practice. I’m someone who has a default yes. This is particularly true in moments of pressure, when I’m more likely to find myself in people-pleasing mode. To dive deeper into understanding why this happens and how clarity around your desires can help, check out The Art of Saying No: Knowing What You Want here.
It’s natural to want to please. Being available, flexible, and having a can-do attitude are no doubt positive attributes in both our professional and personal lives. Yet such traits can also lead to things like overwhelm, stress, or even burnout. Alongside our internal motivations for saying yes, there can also be very real external pressures - our manager, family members, or even a workplace culture.
It takes courage to say no. It also takes kindness. Maybe you can’t meet that unrealistic deadline or do that extra shift because you’re already exhausted. It might not feel like it at the time, but such acts of self-respect can solicit respect from others, too.
So how can we practice saying no? It all begins with the pause.
If you’re also someone with a default yes, a pause is a crucial step. It’s what gives us time to take stock of our options and tune into what we really need and think. A pause gives us space to reflect on our values and feel empowered in our reasons behind saying yes or no.
Over the years, I’ve practiced making the pause my default. I do this by saying, “I need to have a quick think about that. I’ll come back to you,” to many requests, big or small. It might seem unnecessary, but practicing the pause in low-pressure exchanges can help us build our “no” muscle and give us strength when we face more heightened interactions or decisions.
As part of the pause, I will often take just 5 minutes to explore various options and consider what saying yes might mean—after all, every yes is a no to something else. Journaling is also helpful for tuning into what my intuition might be telling me. Even if I can’t quite explain it, I try to listen to what it’s saying. More often than not, it’s been right.
Sometimes the pause reveals an “absolute-no” - things that drain my energy or lead to resentment, that I’ve learnt to say no to.
Finally, during the pause, I often return to the four strategies for saying no in our Braver than Before® programme to decide how I’d like to move forward. For example, one strategy could be to redirect or delegate a task, or another could be to renegotiate or consider alternatives.
Even after we have taken a pause and decided to say no, we can experience some doubts. What I’ve learned over the years is that true relationships won’t end over a no, and to trust there are more opportunities to come. We can cultivate the resilience we need to deal with the various consequences.
There will also be times we falter and default, and that’s okay. We are all a work in progress. Change isn’t always overnight, but it can happen—one pause at a time.
Bethan Davies, Managing Director of The Bravest Path, shares her personal insights on the power of saying no and offers strategies to help you embrace your own strength. Find out more about The Bravest Path's leadership development programmes here:
